


realization

by iolanthie



Category: The Walking Dead (Telltale Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Closeted Character, Grief/Mourning, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Realization, Repression, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-17
Updated: 2019-11-17
Packaged: 2021-02-07 20:07:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21463804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iolanthie/pseuds/iolanthie
Summary: Losing someone in your group is always difficult - especially when you have feelings for them that you don't understand and that you never quite figured out.Mitch never thought he would deal with any of thisfeelingsshit.But life surprises you.Inspired by the Mitch backstory created bystop_breaking_my_heart_telltalein theirreasons to surviveseries. I highly recommend that you read their stuff!
Relationships: Mitch & Willy (Walking Dead: Done Running), Mitch/Justin
Kudos: 6





	realization

**Author's Note:**

  * For [stop_breaking_my_heart_telltale](https://archiveofourown.org/users/stop_breaking_my_heart_telltale/gifts).
  * Inspired by [even the smaller moments matter](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21266321) by [stop_breaking_my_heart_telltale](https://archiveofourown.org/users/stop_breaking_my_heart_telltale/pseuds/stop_breaking_my_heart_telltale). 

When Mitch heard that Marlon, Louis, Aasim and Justin were out hunting, he immediately got a sinking feeling in his stomach. He knew that it wasn't a good idea to go on a hunting trip, today of all days. Yeah, winter was coming up, and food had been scarce for a while, but did they really need food so badly that they needed to hunt in the rain?

Shit, the rain was coming down so fast, you could barely see in front of you. The courtyard was practically flooded. The sky was so dark that it made it hard to see, even though it was only a few hours past midday by his estimate.

He tried to think back to when he had last eaten, which was never a good sign. It had been a few days. It hadn't gotten this bad in a long time. His stomach ached, but he refused to complain about it. A few days without food wouldn't kill him. They still had water, and he knew that they would find food before long.

He briefly wondered why Marlon had agreed to this. It quickly occurred to him that the last straw had probably been seeing Tenn and Willy. Even though they were kids, they were both strong as hell and Mitch knew that. But he had to admit that he hated seeing them in such a bad state. They were both relatively happy kids, especially given the circumstances, and it was rare to see them crying. However, after a few days without food, their stomachs hurt so much that they must not have been able to help it.

When he saw Willy in that state, he did what he could to comfort him.

"Willy... I know this fucking sucks," he sighed. "If we had any food, you'd be the first one to get it. I know it hurts. But your body will get used to it. It'll stop hurting and then we'll get back to building your castle, okay?"

Willy hugged his leg tightly, nodding in agreement even though tears were still running down his face. They had been building a castle out of rocks outside before the food had run out. He had been too upset to work on it for the past few days, but the promise of playing with Mitch again was something that he could hold onto until things got better. The older boy always knew how to comfort him.

"We'll be okay. We'll find food soon and forget this ever happened. Hell, if they don't find some, I'll go out there myself."

The young boy sniffled, his sobs easing slightly. Mitch saw Minnie and Sophie nearby and they appeared to be busy distracting Tenn, so he lead Willy back to his room, where he sat and entertained him for hours.

By now, it had been almost half a day - way too fucking long - and they weren't back yet. He was starting to feel sick. His stomach felt like it was twisted in knots and he knew it wasn't from hunger. The kids in this school were his family, whether he liked it or not. Whenever people failed to return from a hunting trip in a reasonable time, it usually meant that something bad had happened. But he didn't know that yet. They were forced to sit and wait.

_Assholes_, he thought. It was getting dark and they probably wouldn't have been able to see much through the rain, anyway. They should never have gone out there in the first place. They were either still desperately searching or...

_Fuck that._

When Willy started getting tired, Mitch set him up on his bed with his pillow, blankets and stuffed animals. With the small boy dozing off, he tried to keep himself preoccupied while he waited. He tried to concentrate on his project, but his hands kept fumbling. He tried to read but he kept forgetting the last sentence and staring at the page blankly. Eventually, he gave up. Soon afterwards, Willy woke from his nap and they decided join the group of people waiting downstairs.

Everyone was there - everyone except Marlon, Louis, Justin and Aasim, who still hadn't returned.

They sat in front of the main door, trying not to talk about the people that were missing. A few people tried to make conversation to take their minds off the current situation, but it never worked. Violet started pacing and Ruby started crying silently into Omar's shoulder. It didn't look good.

Each minute that passed felt like hours and Mitch was getting steadily more agitated. Angry. He was ready to rip into the group when they came back - make sure they never did something that stupid again.

And then, finally, Sophie saw something through the window and jumped to her feet. "They're back!"

The group hurried outside to meet their friends in the courtyard, slowing down and coming to a stop when they realized that someone was missing.

Marlon, Louis and Aasim were there, looking like drowned rats. They were soaked to the bone and absolutely filthy. They carried a sack that was partially filled with food, but nothing else.

Justin was nowhere to be seen.

Mitch pushed through to the front of the crowd, his blood boiling. "Where the fuck is he?"

Marlon looked utterly broken, defeated. "He's gone. He tried to - there were too many walkers - "

Violet spoke up, her voice shaking tremendously. "Y-you mean he's-"

"Dead."

There was a second of silence, no sound but the never-ending downpour. Marlon hung his head in shame, trying to maintain composure in front of the group. When the realization slowly started to sink in, Mitch shook his head, rejecting the idea entirely.

_This isn't happening._

"How do you know?" he demanded, rising up to challenge Marlon.

"We saw it!" Marlon screamed back, losing whatever restraint he had previously had. "You think we'd just fucking leave him out there?"

"You saw it happen and you just let him _die_?" Mitch roared. "Where the fuck were you? There's three of you for fuck's sake! None of you could-"

"Mitch, stop!" Ruby begged, pulling him away from Marlon even as she wept. "Blamin' them won't bring 'im back!"

"You didn't even bring him back so we could bury him-" he continued yelling, trying to pull away from Ruby's grasp. Omar grabbed his other arm firmly, keeping him from walking any closer to their leader.

"He turned. We couldn't-" Aasim said, his voice trembling. Mitch knew what that meant. They left him as a walker.

_Justin... Justin is dead. A walker._

"Get your asses inside, all of you," Marlon commanded. He shoved the bag of food into Violet's arms roughly and stormed through the crowd, heading up to his office without another word. Louis and Aasim said nothing, too shaken to speak. Minnie and Sophie lead Tenn inside, trying to comfort the boy as he wept quietly. The rest of the group followed.

However, Mitch stayed back, standing still as the rain soaked through his clothes. His mind raced but he felt paralyzed.

_He can't be dead._

He was brought back to the present when Willy tugged at his shirt. The poor boy was sobbing again. But he couldn't take care of him this time.

"Willy, go stay with Minnie and Sophie, okay?"

"But Mitch -"

"I'll come find you later. You - you need to stay with Tenn, okay? He's going to need a friend right now. Minnie and Sophie will take care of you 'til then."

The small boy nodded softly, trying to stop crying. Mitch lead him back inside and into Sophie's arms. With Willy in good hands, he headed back to the room he had shared with Justin.

Justin's shit was everywhere, as he had left it. He stood in the doorway for a long time, looking down at the mess. The initial shock was starting to fade, leaving pain in it's place.

Excruciating, unbearable pain.

He didn't want to feel it. He wanted it to stop. White hot rage rose quickly in his chest, not lessening the pain but mingling with it, twisting together with it. He wanted Justin's shit gone. Now.

He started going through Justin's side of the closet, desperately tearing out all of the magazines he had thrown in the bottom.

"You stupid -"

He ripped them to shreds.

"Fucking -"

He stood up shakily, grabbing a handful of the torn chunks.

"_Asshole_."

He screamed, throwing the remains out through the doorway and into the hall.

He picked up the clothes on the floor next, throwing them through the doorway with all his strength.

"Fuck you fuck you fuck you-"

The room felt like it was shaking, but Mitch realized he was the one that was shaking. He felt lightheaded, his vision blurry, his breathing ragged. He started tearing through the belongings on Justin's bed, pulling off the sheets and everything. Each time he threw something he felt satisfied hearing it crash into the wall outside the room. The posters Justin had put up ripped easily as he tore them down.

"Get - your fucking - shit - out!" he screamed, throwing the last of his belongings one by one.

When he was done and there was nothing left to throw, he stood there, breathing hard and fast like he had just run a mile. His eyes scanned the ground for something else to destroy - anything to take his mind off the pain twisting his insides into knots. The corner of a book peeked out from underneath a pile of clothes.

With trembling hands, he pulled it out. It was the book on birds that Justin had given him. Part of him wanted to destroy it, set it on fire along with the rest of the junk and the tornado of confusing, painful emotions taking over his chest. But he couldn't.

Part of him was holding him back. The same part of him that had caused his knees to feel weak every time Justin had gotten close to him. He didn't know what it was. He didn't _want_ to know what it was. He just wanted it to stop.

_What kind of dumbass tries to take on a bunch of walkers on his own?_

He threw the book onto the bed weakly, gently. He couldn't bring himself to destroy it so he might as well keep it. But he couldn't look at it right now. He couldn't be _here_ right now. With all those memories.

_No._

_Fuck him._

_Piece of shit._

He gathered his blankets and stormed out of the room, kicking pieces of the mess he had made in the hallway on his way out. Willy's room was across the hall, and he couldn't think of anywhere else to go right now.

\---

When Willy entered the room a few hours later, Mitch was sitting on the floor, leaning against one of the beds. His eyes were vacant, staring blankly at the wall, his knees pulled up to his chest. He didn't have a candle lit, he was just sitting in the dark. If Willy hadn't been carrying his own candle, he might not have seen him at all.

The young boy put the candle down on the bedside table and slowly moved closer to Mitch.

"Mitch?" he asked, his small, innocent voice tugging at Mitch's heart.

"Yeah?"

"Are you okay?"

He sighed, "Yeah, buddy. I'll be okay."

Willy sat down next to him, leaning against him and wrapping his small arms around the older boy. Mitch wrapped one arm around him in return.

"It's okay to be mad," Willy said. That reminded Mitch that the remains of Justin's things were still out in the hall. Everyone would see what he did, but he didn't care. That must have been why Willy thought he was mad. Couldn't say that he never noticed things.

"I know."

"It's okay if you're sad, too."

That gave Mitch pause. Was it, though? Was it okay to be this sad? Was it okay to feel like your whole heart had been ripped out of your chest? Was it okay to feel like a thousand knives were ripping through your body? Was it okay to feel like you'd lost someone... important - that made you feel things that no one else ever has - and to feel terrified that you'll never find anyone like them again?

What it okay to feel like the pain would never stop - like this loss would leave a hole in your heart that could never be healed?

_No,_ Mitch thought. _It's not okay. It's fucked._

But instead he said, "Thanks, buddy." He gave him a tight hug and helped him get comfortable in his bed. When Willy was taken care of, he crossed the room to collapse in the bed across from him.

For a while he stared at the wall next to his bed, actively refusing to think about anything. Thankfully, exhaustion took over and the boys were asleep before long.

\---

  
When Mitch woke up the next morning, he felt a ball of dread fall into the pit of his stomach before he had even opened his eyes. He could feel that this wasn't his bed, that he was in Willy's room - and then he remembered why. What happened yesterday had been real. The pain hit him all over again, compressing his chest and making it hard for him to breathe.

_This must be hell,_ he thought. It couldn't be possible for it to feel any worse than this.

He stared at the ceiling, listening to Willy's soft snoring.

_What kind of fucking world is this?_

_Why do I feel like this?_

He forced himself to get up and walk through the hall. Justin's things were no longer there - Ruby must have picked them up. As he walked down the hall, he briefly listened in on what was happening in other people's rooms. Tenn was still crying - he must have cried all night. Sophie was saying something to her little brother but her voice was too soft for him to make out what the words were. _At least Tenn has his sisters,_ he thought. Sophie knew how to take really good care of him.

In the next room, Violet and Minnie were talking. Minnie sounded panicked, grief-ridden - nothing like her usual self. Violet was trying to rationalize with her about something.

He wondered if Minnie and Justin really had...

That was stupid. It didn't matter now.

If they did... he wondered how Minnie would feel now.

When he passed Marlon and Louis' room, he could clearly hear them arguing behind the door. With every person that died, Marlon caved under the stress even more. Louis was likely trying to help, but he wasn't having any of it.

Mitch didn't envy him, but he was still pissed at him. If he had been the one out there, with Justin, he would have done whatever it took to keep him safe. To keep him alive.

Part of him knew that it wasn't right to blame Marlon or even Justin himself. Shit like this just happened, and they had no control over it.

But it was easier to be angry than to deal with... that. The realization that they didn't have control over their own lives. He didn't like to think about that. It made him feel all kinds of fucked up things.

He made his way outside and up to the lookout. There were no walkers to be seen, nothing but trees and empty space for him to stare at.

_Why am I wondering what Minnie might feel about him? Does that mean... I..._

A thought started rising to the surface of his mind, one that had been buried for a long time.

_I cared about that asshole._

_I cared **too** much._

He didn't even let himself think it. It was too much to take, too much to deal with. He wasn't capable of that or ready for that. Not right now. Not yet. So the next thing he thought was-

_This isn't worth it._

_I'll never... feel this way for anyone ever again. I won't let myself._

_If I never... have these gross... feelings for anyone... then I'll never have to deal with this again._

_The world is fucked up enough... without this._

Sitting on top of that lookout, alone, he formulated a plan to prevent future pain.

_No one can ever know._

_There will be nothing for them to know since I won't... be like this. I'll never act on my thoughts. I'll never tell anyone. And if no one knows, it won't be a problem._

_I was never cut out for romance anyway._

_No one will ever hurt me like Justin did, ever again._

As he tried to reassure himself that his plan was the right thing to do and that it would work flawlessly, another thought occurred.

_I'll never get to tell him,_ he realized, and somehow he felt his heart breaking all over again. _I wasted my last few days with him, being an asshole to him, and now he's gone._

And it hurt so, so much.

His throat ached horribly as pain wracked through his body. He pressed his palms into his eyes to stop tears from coming.

Only one thought gave him a modicum of comfort.

_I'll never let this happen to me again._

_Never, ever again._  
  
  
  
  



End file.
